Here’s a little secret about me - I can’t wait til February.  Every year I think February is the month that I take back control of my life.  Being in the business that I am (elves), the holidays are overwhelmingly busy.  It’s stressful.  And it doesn’t stop in January.  There’s always a week long ski trip, both boys birthdays, elf taxes, back to school and back to teaching a new semester for me.  It’s too much.  This year I had to add on getting new tenants for our rental condo and Winter Formal. 

So, as I look back on the month I wonder how it all got done.  I wonder if I did my best.  I wonder if anyone else in my family even realizes how much I struggle with keeping all the balls in the air.  Of course, I know my BFFs are completely aware of my struggle.  Thank God for girlfriends.  Sometimes life seems so busy.  During January, I always feel that I throw everything up in the air and watch how it falls.

Here’s my own report card:

ski trip - big success

back to school - still not quite in the swing of homework but almost

boys’ birthdays - filled with memories

elf taxes - completed and getting postmarked today (last possible day to avoid penalties)

teaching - lesson plans are a mess.  Uh oh!

condo - rented to new tenants.  Cleaning crew and carpet cleaners are there right now to ensure a sparkling condo by February 1st.

Winter Formal - tux ordered, corsage ordered, dinner reservations made, tickets purchased

It always comes together in the end.  I’ve decided I need a wife.  Someone who helps me with every little detail without ever having to ask.  Hmmmm, where do I get one of those?

First, thanks to everyone who has supported me during my journey over the last 5 months.  For those of you that don’t know, my absence was due to my mom’s untimely death on September 25.  That is the day I had to learn how to live on this earth without a mother. 

Let me start by saying my mom and I have been down our share of rocky roads.  Looking at our obvious personality characteristics, we were opposites.  Because of that, I never did feel that my mom understood me.  I grew up telling myself that I would never be like my mom.  But here’s the thing - I was so much like my mom and she was always my biggest fan.  What I’ve learned from my recent journey is that a relationship between a mother and a daughter is complicated, intricate, intense and priceless.  It is also a relationship I will never know as ”the Mother” because I have boys. 

Thursday, September 24th, started out like any other day.  My youngest son had a 1/2 day at school and it was my turn to host the 1/2-day play date.  What this meant to me was that my house would be turned into a 9-boy-testosterone-zone for 2-3 hours.  I would need food and activities.  You learn very quickly that without these two things, your beautiful home becomes their haven…and it’s not pretty.

For those of you that know me, you know that a shower is considered optional on my To Do list.  I will admit to going more than one day (and more than one spin class) without a shower.  That’s what hats are for, right?  For some reason, on September 24th, I opted to skip my morning gym routine and take a shower.  I was happy with this choice later.   I then ran a couple errands and had 20 minutes to pick up the pizzas before the boys graced me with their presence.  I was talking on my cell phone when my sister beeped in.  Then she beeped in again, and again and again.  Honestly, I was getting a little annoyed.  When I finally got in the car with the pizzas, I called her back.  That’s the moment that everyone began to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher.  She said my mom was in the hospital and had had a massive heart attack.  OKAY!  WHAT????  How could this be?  I just talked to her 3 days before and she sounded great.  She was excited about lots of upcoming plans she had and was asking about visiting in November to see the boys and help with the elves.  At this point I couldn’t even hear my sister, other than her telling me she was going to check on flights and call me back.  That’s when the smell of pizza came over me and I realized I was hosting a big play date in 15 minutes.  OMG!  My next call was to my husband, who was unreachable, of course.  My next call was to my friend, Marianne, to ask her if she would stay at my house and host the play date.  Yes was the only thing I could hear her say.  I was on a flight out of Burbank an hour later.

Once we arrived at the hospital, I felt more in control but only to realize later that I was in denial - really big denial.  My mom was unconscious.  She was hooked up to all kinds of machines.  Someone was stationed outside her room and her room only.  I didn’t think this to be strange at the time because I would’ve insisted that someone drop everything to care for my mom like this anyway.  Doctors would come into the room and apologize to my sister and me.  I kept thinking they were apologizing for our quick journey or something.  What does, “we’re so sorry” really mean anyway?  Sorry for what?  We’re here and my mom’s here and breathing so what exactly are they sorry for?  And I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why they would say bad words/phrases to me like grim, dire, hour by hour, …  At no time did I realize that they were just keeping my mom alive with life support.  They were keeping her alive because I didn’t get it.  I wasn’t having it.  I couldn’t wrap my arms around what was really going on.  BUT, 11 hours later my mom was gone and I haven’t been the same since.   

Life as I knew it was over.  I never realized how much of a day-to-day impact my mom had on my every day life.  Losing a parent is huge.  The grieving is massive.  The What-Ifs are constant.  The silence is scary.  Of course, I’m looking for the lesson in this all.  I don’t know if there really is a lesson.  I am learning how to maneuver through life as the oldest surviving immediate family member.  It’s strange to think about.  Mostly, I am trying to hang onto what’s real and the people I love.  I’ve realized in the biggest way that life is short and the only way to be is true and real.  I’m learning that I’m incredibly strong, yet still very fragile.  I guess I’m stronger than I am fragile…and I’m back to blogging.  YAY for me!

Over three years ago my husband accepted a job in Chicago.  At first I thought that was a really unfortunate twist of fate for him to have to leave our great life in the Los Angeles suburbs to live in a state with snow.  That little fantasy thought came and went quickly!  Our “vacation” in Chicago only lasted a year, but during that time one of my old LA neighbors said to me that it’s hard for her to drive past my house because there was a grey cloud over it.  That’s how I feel now that one of my neighbors has taken the plunge to move out of state.

My friend was my neighbor right next door.  We moved into our new homes at the same time.  We shared home builder problems, holidays, life, death, “discussions” with our husbands, thoughts on raising kids, recipes…  She taught me how to make ribs and breakfast muffins.  She assured me that IT REALLY DOES MATTER that every Christmas present needs to wrapped in coordinating paper with huge bows.  She spent the day doing touch ups of paint in my bedroom while I sat on my bed paying bills because I had totally forgotten.  She “made” me go to the berry farm to pick berries (in heels) because she was quite sure my children shouldn’t be eating processed jelly and I needed to can a years worth.  She helped me lift my dog into a wheelbarrow when he was sick so we could transport him into the back of her car and drive him to the vet.  He died the next day.  (Our husbands were out of town.)  She showed up at my door with soup when I was sick AND took my kids so I could sleep.  But most of all, she was always willing to share a diet coke at any time of day!  Now every mom out there knows that none of these things are that big of a deal…but the loss of your “go to” friend is huge.  It takes a long time to cultivate this bond and with her it came so easily.

As time went on, I moved away and then moved back, but down the street.  My boys became boys and her girls became girls - so our paths didn’t cross as much.  Suddenly we were both running in different directions.  She started a business and then I started a business.  We kept saying we wanted to go to lunch and it never happened.  Blah, blah, blah…we all know how this story goes.  But then, one day she called to say she was moving.  A piece of my heart died right then and there.  Flashes of all we’d done and the time we spent together started rushing through my head.  What???  Wait!!!!  But we never had lunch!!!!  Something’s not right in the world and I needed to sit down and have a drink.  Good-byes never sit well with me.  Well, fast forward to today.  I just got an email from her and she’s doing fine.  I think the fact that you can buy so much more house for your money in almost any other state has temporarily taken the sting out of moving for her.

Oddly, I know of the family that rented her house, but somehow it doesn’t matter.  I’m a little resentful that anyone would try to occupy that space.  I didn’t realize how much you assume there is warmth in the home of your friends.  When I drive by her home now it seems all wrong.  I finally understand what my friend meant when she said there’s a grey cloud over my home, because now I see a grey cloud over my friend’s house.  It’s no longer a home, but a house with an address, 25623 Trent Way.  I don’t assume it’s filled with girls giggling, amazing smells from her cooking, or perfectly eye-pleasing rooms filled with all the trinkets and treasures we’d purchased and created.

As much as I love change, it’s really difficult for me to accept.  If and when she comes back to LA for good, I’m going to make sure I hold on real tight and put that lunch date in ink! 

Today’s Do-able To Do List

I don’t know about you but I’m having a hard time with the kids back at school and it’s not because I long for more time with my angels.  No, it’s because I can’t seem to fall back into my own productive routine.  Being the Queen of Self-Help books, I completely understand the A#1 rule - make a list.  The problem is that I can’t motivate myself to stick to the list.  Everyday I seem to keep myself busy doing stuff, unproductive stuff.  I’m beginning to understand why teachers don’t give homework right away.  I get it!  Mommies need a little time to ease back into their personal routines as well.  I’m not going to hold myself accountable until after Back To School Night either.  The problem is that Back To School Night was last Thursday!

While the boys were home during the summer, I would allow myself the excuse that I would complete a task or worry about something when they went back to school.  I constantly reminded myself that it was my job (as it is every summer) to provide them with “the best summer ever.”  I feel personal pressure that they have lots of exciting things to write about when they’re given the annual writing assignment of How I Spent My Summer Break.  I couldn’t bear to imagine that they would write something boring and mundane while all the other children sailed the seven seas, backpacked across Europe, climbed the highest mountain, etc.  (Clearly you can see that I have issues that I’m compensating for regarding my own unplanned, unorchestrated, un-thought-out childhood summers.)  However, all good mommy intentions aside, I’m beginning to think that was my excuse for not having a plan, sticking to a schedule, getting ANYTHING done during the entire summer. 

Well, they’ve been back to school and all I can seem to accomplish is going to the gym, showering and eating lunch.  And since I’m being honest, oftentimes I don’t shower.  My friends are the same way so it’s become acceptable to smell.  It’s almost as if I’m paralyzed by my unproductiveness!  I’m walking around my house pondering which project should be started ASAP.  I start a little something and before I know it, it’s time to pick up the boys.  I have memories of being so together last school year.  What happened?

I’ve decided that today will be the beginning of something different.  I’m going to catch up on my blog, actually finish cleaning the house, tackle the outdoor pillow project (a little late seeing as summer is almost over), make a wonderful dinner, and bake warm freshly baked chocolate chip cookies when the boys come home from school.  Do you think I can do it?  It’s just five items on my six item list.  I can still put the gym on my list.  I’m a Type A personality.  I’m goal oriented.  I love a challenge…To be continued…

There aren’t many details that I remember from my sorority days.  I’m not a detail person when it comes to memories.  I wouldn’t have made a good BOY for many reasons, but for one reason in particular - I don’t remember every line from every movie so that I can easily recite them later to my buddies.  What I do remember is having lots of fun.  I loved living in a house of girls.  I loved the sisterhood of it all.  I am so lucky to be able to look back at my life so far and remember fun and laughter.  So while I don’t remember many details, there is one thing that I remember about my days in the sorority.  Well, actually it’s two lines from a song that we sang during Rush Week - Make New Friends, But Keep the Old Ones, Some are Silver and the other Gold!

For some reason, that song keeps running through my head tonight.  Here’s what I know for sure - I couldn’t live without my girlfriends, and I never want to try!  I love them all for so many different reasons.  They all bring something very special to my life.  But the ones I cherish the most are the ones who always bring me up, even when I don’t see the light.  These are the friends who know our deepest darkest feelings and secrets and love us anyway.  We all have these friends.  The friends that know us so well.  The ones that tell it like it is, but have a special way of delivering their heartfelt message that it doesn’t hurt our feelings.  That very message delivered by any other human on the face of this earth would put us on the defensive and turn us into UFC Champs.

 Today, I was bummed.  I won’t even go into the reason, but naturally, I picked up the phone and called a friend.  This is the friend that will answer her phone no matter what she’s doing just because she sees my name on her caller ID.  After I spill my story, she calmly assesses me, my words, my situation and gives me the cold hard facts.  Somehow she makes it all better.  And I’d do exactly the same for her.  While I realize we are girls and we will “discuss” the situation 10,000 more times because it’s never really over, I love her for all she is and all she gives to me.  While I really do love and cherish my husband, she’s the one that I want to give the other half of my Best Friend Broken Heart Necklace to. 

But it’s not just her that I love and need - it’s all my BFFs that fill my life with happiness.  I just hope that I do the same for them.  I just hope that they feel as loved and understood as I do.  They’re all so amazing and I aspire to give them everything they have ever given to me. 

You know the mommies who are super competitive but you’re not sure why.  The ones who think their little angels are all that.  The ones who have no identity outside of their childrens’ accomplishments.  The ones that believe they should have halos surrounding their heads because they seem to keep it all together while the rest of us are just fumbling idiots!  The ones who are SOOOOO busy with their two children because they’re so important, yet I have two children and seem to find the time.  The ones that like to point out that their lives have so much meaning because they have a full calendar while the rest of us are nothing.  I have a couple of those in my world and it drives me insane! 

 Every now and then it just rubs me the wrong way.  I don’t know why I’m so sensitive to it.  I do believe that each child is an individual and that children go through cycles of success.  Sometimes my boys achieve in areas and sometimes they don’t.  I do know at the end of the day, when they go out into the world, when all my parenting comes to a halt, my boys will be kind, caring, successful, goal-oriented, productive men. 

I shake my head at these moms who believe their children will be great based on their Little League accomplishments at 6 years old.  These are the same moms who indulge their children in $300 bats because for some reason they think this message of expensive bats = important children is meaningful.  These are the same moms who have taught their children that expensive clothes make them important, as well as having all the current tech equipment.  I cringe when I hear the stories.  I cringe when I think that parents project their own insecurities onto their kids.  I know we all create little mini me’s, but some people need to learn what character traits to avoid bringing forward.  In this day and age of financial unrest, this should be a crime.  Seriously!

Don’t get me wrong.  I think it’s great to be able to provide for your children if you can.  It’s great, as long as you don’t attach unrealistic labels to the physical possessions.  It’s just funny that the people who can’t afford it are most often the people who do.  In other words, some people buy their children the latest and greatest yet they’re having financial problems and haven’t taken a vacation in years.  Good thing they have that $300 bat and that $700 laptop!  I really hope my boys grow up being proud of who they are rather than what they’ve had.  I think we’ve all learned during this recession that sometimes the people who appear to have the most, really truly have the least.  I think the Universe has created a time for parents to teach their children what’s important in life - and it’s not money!

I’m sure I commit my fair share of parenting faux paus, but I will not raise children who think I have therefore I am.  What’s going to happen to their egos when they don’t have for whatever reason?  I try to teach my children that we’re lucky to have what we have.  We’re lucky that I get to stay home with them and that is really the greatest gift my husband and I could ever give to them.  They know my husband has to work hard to provide for them in this manner and sometimes it requires my husband to travel and be away from us.  It forces us to appreciate all the time we have together because we get a flavor of what it’s like to be without a family member.  My boys don’t care if their clothes have designer labels or Wal-Mart labels.  They typically don’t want to eat in restaurants and would much rather sit down at our kitchen table and screw around with us while they’re eating.  Going on a bike ride or going to the beach is just as much fun as Disneyland.  I really do believe that it’s our social responsibility to teach our children right from wrong.

Thanks for letting me vent!  I needed to share!

When I told many of my friends that I was going to start a blog, the question they asked me every single time is “really? why?”.  Why?  Why was that always their answer?  Don’t they think I’m interesting?  Important?  Funny?  It took me over one year to finally cut out the time to learn how to do this and all they have to say is WHY?  Note to self - don’t tell my friends anything.  I say not to tell them things because now, as I sit down to write this, I realize that I want to write about them and they just may find out.  What I’ve learned very quickly is that blogging is for me, not them, and it’s best to keep your secret thoughts to yourself and the many strangers who may want to read them.  Now, I don’t want to sound like a friend-hater when actually I’m a friend-lover.  Without them, insanity would be looking me straight in the face.  It may be looking me in the face now, but at least it’s from a distance.

I wrote down nine nouns to describe who I am at my core.  I thought I needed to share

Mom - Enough said.  My boys are my life!  OK, now that’s a little dramatic but I just love being around them!  They’re delicious!

Super Wife Wannabe - I love my husband, the life we’ve built, and the love we share during the ups and the downs.

Gym Rat - It gives me a natural high.

Self-help Book-aholic - I’m a work in progress.  What can I say?

Diet Coke Lover - my drug of choice.  I love the sound it makes when I crack one open first thing in the morning.  I start to salivate.  And yes, there is a difference!

Great Friend - There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them.  They’re all so perfect for me.  I love the crazy ones the best (they’re crazy but harmless).

Memory Maker - I’m driven in life to build strong happy memories for my boys during their childhood.

Queen of All Things Elf - I love love love my product.  It makes everyone so happy!

Bargain Hunter - While some people may laugh at this one, I’m not saying I’m cheap, I just like to buy expensive things at a lesser price.  Not only that, but I have a strange compulsion to tell my friends about deals.

And secretly, I’m an early bird with self-diagnosed adult ADD.  My thoughts are usually scrambled and if everyone could give me their information in 3 bullet points, I would greatly appreciate it.  Well, everyone except J because she’s the best story teller.

So, there I am.  Believe it or not, I’m all these things every day.  Please join me on my journey!  :)  Also, if I die soon and my husband doesn’t know what to write about me, please forward my nine nouns to him asap!