Do You Take a Backseat to Your Kids?
I saw this post on a blog that I follow and it really struck a chord with me. As my oldest son turns 15 tomorrow and I think back at how my answer to this question would have changed over the years.
On January 18, 1995, I met one of the loves of my life. This was a love like no other I had known. There should be mommy vows taken at birth. It should be ceremonious. After-all, it’s easier and much more likely that women will divorce their husbands then divorce their children. The vows should be something like I will love you unconditionally, support you, allow you to vomit on me, teach you to walk, teach you to talk (which I truly did regret at certain ages), let you keep me up nights, kick me in the stomach while co-sleeping (co-sleeping wasn’t ever my plan, it just seemed to work out that way for a couple of years), give you all my money, cater to your every need, wipe away your every tear, feel your pain, feel your joy….and all you have to do is live here.
As for the backseat question - my answer has evolved. 15 years ago I would’ve answered a quick, vehement YES! Now, I’m not so sure. 15 years ago for some reason I bought into the 1-dimensional life of Super Mommy Wannabe. Don’t get me wrong, at the time I found this life to be so overwhelmingly fulfilling. I built my Stay-At-Home mom soap box and I proudly stood on it. I willingly chose to give up so much of myself because I thought it was hands down the right thing to do. Personally, I felt anything less than this would be selfish seeing that my husband had a great job and we could afford to make this choice. I gave my life to my children. I really didn’t have anything else. Sure, I had other moms from the play groups, scrapbooking friends, gym friends…but all this was in the name of being Super Mom. Losing my independence happened slowly. It was a very gradual death until one day I realized how shallow I had become. I felt like I had nothing to add to the conversation between adults. I lost my passion, my zest. One day I woke up to understand that my anxiety was truly a scream for more from me. Not a scream to be a better mom, but a scream to be a better me. I always knew there was more for me. That’s when I started plotting and planning my more balanced life. Hmmmm, how was I going to have a life that was fulfilling for my children, yet still fulfilling for me? I was entering an unchartered course. It took me awhile to let go of the guilt of dividing my time. There were going to be less home-made cookies, less volunteer hours at school, more piles of laundry and I was going to have to learn to say no without guilt. Eventually, I found a happy balance.
My children continue to be #1 on my priority list. There’s nothing like the joy of knowing that they lay there heads on their pillows each night with thoughts of the beautiful day they had and that I was a part of it…it’s just now I do the same thing. Yes, I did take a backseat to my children, and I still do - but now I do it with a joyful heart because I have more balance for me. And guess what…sometimes they take a backseat to me!