I’m Back and My Whole Life Has Changed!
First, thanks to everyone who has supported me during my journey over the last 5 months. For those of you that don’t know, my absence was due to my mom’s untimely death on September 25. That is the day I had to learn how to live on this earth without a mother.
Let me start by saying my mom and I have been down our share of rocky roads. Looking at our obvious personality characteristics, we were opposites. Because of that, I never did feel that my mom understood me. I grew up telling myself that I would never be like my mom. But here’s the thing - I was so much like my mom and she was always my biggest fan. What I’ve learned from my recent journey is that a relationship between a mother and a daughter is complicated, intricate, intense and priceless. It is also a relationship I will never know as ”the Mother” because I have boys.
Thursday, September 24th, started out like any other day. My youngest son had a 1/2 day at school and it was my turn to host the 1/2-day play date. What this meant to me was that my house would be turned into a 9-boy-testosterone-zone for 2-3 hours. I would need food and activities. You learn very quickly that without these two things, your beautiful home becomes their haven…and it’s not pretty.
For those of you that know me, you know that a shower is considered optional on my To Do list. I will admit to going more than one day (and more than one spin class) without a shower. That’s what hats are for, right? For some reason, on September 24th, I opted to skip my morning gym routine and take a shower. I was happy with this choice later. I then ran a couple errands and had 20 minutes to pick up the pizzas before the boys graced me with their presence. I was talking on my cell phone when my sister beeped in. Then she beeped in again, and again and again. Honestly, I was getting a little annoyed. When I finally got in the car with the pizzas, I called her back. That’s the moment that everyone began to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher. She said my mom was in the hospital and had had a massive heart attack. OKAY! WHAT???? How could this be? I just talked to her 3 days before and she sounded great. She was excited about lots of upcoming plans she had and was asking about visiting in November to see the boys and help with the elves. At this point I couldn’t even hear my sister, other than her telling me she was going to check on flights and call me back. That’s when the smell of pizza came over me and I realized I was hosting a big play date in 15 minutes. OMG! My next call was to my husband, who was unreachable, of course. My next call was to my friend, Marianne, to ask her if she would stay at my house and host the play date. Yes was the only thing I could hear her say. I was on a flight out of Burbank an hour later.
Once we arrived at the hospital, I felt more in control but only to realize later that I was in denial - really big denial. My mom was unconscious. She was hooked up to all kinds of machines. Someone was stationed outside her room and her room only. I didn’t think this to be strange at the time because I would’ve insisted that someone drop everything to care for my mom like this anyway. Doctors would come into the room and apologize to my sister and me. I kept thinking they were apologizing for our quick journey or something. What does, “we’re so sorry” really mean anyway? Sorry for what? We’re here and my mom’s here and breathing so what exactly are they sorry for? And I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why they would say bad words/phrases to me like grim, dire, hour by hour, … At no time did I realize that they were just keeping my mom alive with life support. They were keeping her alive because I didn’t get it. I wasn’t having it. I couldn’t wrap my arms around what was really going on. BUT, 11 hours later my mom was gone and I haven’t been the same since.
Life as I knew it was over. I never realized how much of a day-to-day impact my mom had on my every day life. Losing a parent is huge. The grieving is massive. The What-Ifs are constant. The silence is scary. Of course, I’m looking for the lesson in this all. I don’t know if there really is a lesson. I am learning how to maneuver through life as the oldest surviving immediate family member. It’s strange to think about. Mostly, I am trying to hang onto what’s real and the people I love. I’ve realized in the biggest way that life is short and the only way to be is true and real. I’m learning that I’m incredibly strong, yet still very fragile. I guess I’m stronger than I am fragile…and I’m back to blogging. YAY for me!